Living the Dream or Dreaming to live?

24 years old.
One child.
One soon to be husband.
One rental home.
Four animals.
No job.

At his point in my life I'm not exactly where I thought I would be. But I'm not dissatisfied either. We all dream of different accomplishments we will have reached by the time we are in our 20's. Of course, at the age of 15, 25 seems lifetimes away! I thought by now I would have finished college, bought my own home, been married and all sorts of other age appropriate goals. I've done a little of this whole plan backwards. I had my child before I got married and truth be told I wouldn't have it any other way. Jay and myself have done a lot of things backwards, but it seems to be how we work. We work best going against the grain, bucking trends and following our hearts.

Lately I've been  feeling sorry for myself- I keep putting time limits on my dreams. I should have done this by now, or jesus why haven't I accomplished this or that. How is it that so many other people my age have done a certain thing and I can't seem to get the where with all to do it myself?

Society dictates that to be a successful adult you should have a college degee, own your own home, own your own car, and make the big bucks! What if you still don't know what you want to do as a "career" though? Then what? I really enjoy being a mother, it fills every need I have excluding bringing in a pay check. So how do I remedy this?

If there is one thing I've learned in life so far it is to dream big, and not to give up! What good does it do me to feel sorry for myself and compare my accomplishments to others? NONE! I'm being financially responsible and that means that we don't go on vacation, that we don't go out to eat, that our wedding will have foil wedding bands and handmade flowers from recycled products! And there isn't anything wrong with that! Why? Because I'm happy and I'm giving my family all of myself. I'm lucky enough to be able to do that. I'm dedicating myself to engaging with Harvey all day, by taking walks with my younger brother, by cleaning my house so that when Jay comes home we can enjoy one another.

If I'm to make my mark in this world- what better way to do it then to make a human being with excellent morals and a fantastic inner compass! I'm helping to shape a new human being for the human race! Score one for momma!

And at the end of the day, my BIG dreams don't even require that I have a college degree. College is going to teach me how be the best mother I can be. A degree isn't going to get up every morning and tend to the garden that will feed my family. A degree won't give the alpaca farm I hope to have the love it needs to thrive. A degree won't spin the wool to make the yarn that I will sell. A degree won't wake up at 6 AM to make breakfast for the guests at my bed and breakfast. A degree won't give my children the memories that our farm will.  A degree won't teach my children the taste of a warm tomato from the garden. A degree won't give them the glee of a summer day with mom and dad at the zoo.

I am the best gift I could give to Harvey. My dreams are the gift I will some day give myself.

We made it!

Okay, so one of the hardest days of my life are over. I championed watching Darek graduate. It seemed like a movie. There was no way that at the end of this my little baby brother was going to be done with high school, but alas- here he is. A graduate.

And now that he is a graduate, he gets to hang out at the house with me and Harvey every day. It has been amazing. I'm so thankful that his heart is so big. All Harvey has to do is whine and Darek is on it. Scoops him right up and runs for me- "Nae, I think he wants you!"

Harvey has recently discovered his tongue, making handing him to strangers a gamble. Is he going to lick their face? Is he going to suck their shoulder? Some people aren't as clean as a parent may like them to be when handing over their new baby. It's been an adventure so far.

Another new discovery is that he can indeed make sound outside of crying. He has mastered these short Huh Huh Huh sounds- one right after the other, at four in the morning, when he really wants mommy to just pay attention. I'm in love. So many amazing new things that he can do, and that now Darek gets to experience daily!

Stay tuned for a more updated post...I'm writing this during a quick diaper change while daddy is here! Early bedtime= more posts :)

Coming to terms with growing up...

Coming to terms with Harvey growing up has been a little harder to deal with then I imagined.  Of course I realized that he would get larger, but who was going to tell me how quickly that happened! We've already mastered the first four months of life and he has doubled his weight and added 6 inches to his height. Holy cow! SLOW DOWN! I just got used to seeing you smile, and now you're tossing in the coo's, AND rolling over?!

At this age he is doing something new almost every day. A huge part of me loves it and a small part of me is in hysterics. Harvey was going to grow up, that much I've always known. What I didn't know was the changes that would take place in myself . Sure, we all have some idea of what having children will do to us, but for the most part that all is focused on outside things.

We all know that you're sleep becomes a lot more staggered once you have an infant- but what people don't tell you is that you're waking up because you care so much you might burst if you can't look at them for another minute.

As a parent, maybe you don't shower as often as you used to- but it doesn't matter because you know in your heart of hearts that your spouse and baby could care less whether your arm pits smell and your hair looks like a pack of wild animals have been nesting in it. Each and every morning they will still roll over and look at you with as much love and adoration as they have since the beginning.

As a parent you don't spend so many nights out- but the nights in mean so much more that you no longer wish you were out! I could care less whether I make it to a movie theater in the next 50 years because spending a night at home listening to Harvey squeal and watching Jay just ooze with pride means more to me. A walk around the block with my family gives me more satisfaction than a fancy dinner and show ever could.

As a parent that pile of laundry may get really large before you commit to washing it all- but the dirty clothes mean so much less. Even when you have an extra person that goes through more outfits in three minutes then you used to when trying to find an outfit to go out on the town with.

And most importantly- as a parent, your heart grows to sizes you never imagined possible. You care in ways you had no idea you were capable of. The smallest things that used to set you off are completely meaningless now, and they are meaningless because you now have something so precious that you must care for. Our house is full of smiles, laughes and newly discovered sounds. I have lived for this time. To some people there is that "my best year was...", well for me the best YEARS of my life just started. The best part about it is that until my dying day I will be a mother. I guess that means I've got the rest of my life to enjoy the best day of my life.

What matters in life...

Yesterday I had a sister day. Me and my lovely older sister went out for lunch and just some time together. It seems like the older you get the harder it is to "find the time" to do the things that you love. Why is it that when you were 10 it seemed like the day literally took a lifetime to end, but once you hit adulthood the days seem to literally end in the blink of an eye? Life is incredible in that sense. You really never know how much you love something until it is gone.
My sister and I got to discussing financial situations and what our dreams are for our futures. And after a nice long drink from my iced coffee and readjusting my arm that had fallen asleep after little man decided that it was best to sleep sitting up in moms arms I realized something. Money is worthless. I have never been a materialistic person. It just isn't in my nature. I've always been happiest at home, but with that stinky adulthood came these expectations. Not ones that I had put on myself, but ones that are bore into your brain from when you are little. Stupid things like- you have to buy a house. Do I? Really do I? I HAVE to buy a house? That's what is going to complete my life and make it absolutely 100% whole? Because from where I'm sitting, trying to buy a house right now seems like it would be much more of a headache then just living in our little duplex rental.
I like how people have told me that I'm "flushing my career down the drain" by deciding to be a stay at home mom. Well- here's the deal. There is NO job that is more rewarding then raising your child and doing it on your terms. Had I decided to go back to work yes we could have had more money, but the truth of the matter is that it would have been maybe an extra 200 dollars after all was said and done. I'd have 200 extra dollars for NOT being with my family and working 9 hour days at a place that didn't make me feel like I had accomplished anything at the end of the day.

Being at home, having less money has done more for our family then money ever could. You know what happens when you don't have money? You can't be lazy and order in. You have to cook dinner as a family. What a concept! What happens when you do not have the money to go to the movies? Why you stay home and play board games, or paint, or draw, or read! You do things like going for walks. I think my decision was one of the best I could have ever made. I made the decision to erase an entire salary from our lives and gained a whole new appreciation and understanding for what we are as a family unit. We talk, we enjoy one another. And you know what, I love it.

How did we get here?

It's been too long since I've updated! The days have just gotten away from me I suppose.  The days, or just my time in general. Isn't it crazy how quickly time can get away from you? And when you want it to fly most it just drags on and on. This past weekend we took senior pictures for my brother- senior pictures. My sweet tiny brother is now going to be a high school graduate. WHAT?!?!  How in the hell did that happen?

Let me begin with saying that my little brother is the light of my life. He is special in every single way imaginable. For those of you who aren't familiar with my family he may look like any other 19 year old but he is far from it. He has some mental delays and falls into many spectrums of the autism department. He loves history and equality. He cares deeply for those around him and is so affectionate. He will still hold my hand in the grocery store. This is the essence of my little brother- kindness personified.

 And in just a few weeks I'm going to be watching him walk across that stage in his cap and gown. My face will be ridiculously contorted, I'll have an inhuman breathing pattern and to say I will be sobbing is an understatement. I can't believe we have finally made it here. Blink, and you are really truly missing it. Life just zooms past you.
How am I going to react to Harvey reaching this stage in his life? I'm sure it is going to be just as hard. Part of you rejoices that they've made it this far. That they are in one piece and have become a well rounded individual while the other half of you is so upset that they aren't that toothless little ball of baby in your arms any more. But what can you do? Look at them and smile, there's no stopping it. I just better make sure I don't blink.

 

The Hardest Part About Staying Home...

When the time came to discuss whether or not I was going to go back to work my heart had already clearly voiced its opinion. I was going to stay home. However, in the current economy it has been very difficult to come to the decision that I was going to stop working. We had finally gotten to a place that we had a little extra money to go out to eat, and go to concerts- and now we are back to the nail biting when it comes to paying bills. There was a lot of discussing how the mechanics were going to work, moving into a cheaper place and cutting anything that wasn't an absolute must have. We decided on cloth diapers and breast feeding not only for his health but to also save ourselves money. I still feel that pang of guilt when the bills come in and I know that I've done nothing to help bring money into the house.
On the flip side of that I know that I'm giving Harvey what he deserves, and that's having me at home. If I had to go back to work my little boy would be on formula and cooing into someone else's ear. That was something I knew that I couldn't live with. I needed to be the one that he grows with, I want to be the one he has memories with. I'll gladly be spit up on, pooped on, peed on and never be able to afford to eat out again if it means I get to be with him all day.

I'm so lucky to have a wonderful man in my life that not only hopped on board the "mommy stays home" boat, but reminds me in every weak moment I have that I'm right where I need to be. That in 20 years we aren't going to look back and say "boy am I glad we got to eat pizza that one night", rather that we will look back and know that Harvey was cared for by his mom and dad and not raised by someone we didn't know or weren't comfortable with.
He is only an infant once, I can never get these few months back. I want to be here when he screams for nothing, or when he just wants to be held. That is my job. I can't imagine not being a mother. I do not understand why I waited so long to become one. The second he made his appearance in this world it was like every doubt I had ever had just slammed into place and it all felt right. This is what I am supposed to do. I am supposed to wake up all night, clean up poop and puke. I'm supposed to make dinner every night and do laundry during the day. It is in these "wifely" duties that I find the most reward.
I love to see him smile back at me, and I love to see Jason come home to a clean house and how relieved he is that it is. Before we would both come home exhausted from work, and duties got overlooked until the weekend. Then the weekend came and we spent all of it doing what should and could have been done during the week had we had a few extra minutes. But now I get to spend my time making our house the home I know we both want. I get to make home made pitas, ON A WEEKNIGHT!

All in all, I'm happy with being home. I love being a mom, and someday I'll love officially being a wife! I feel like this was the best choice for all of us and that I'll only come to love it more.

Early Days

I made a point of asking Jay this weekend what he remembered most about Harvey's early days. His response was simple and two parted. "A whole lot of shit and him sleeping non-stop" Not shit like, there are so many things I can't pick one, but literally shit. His feces. 

I think in the moment it's hard to appreciate all of the little things he is doing that you aren't even going to realize you miss until they are already gone. I for one, miss the sleeping thing as well. I don't miss him sleeping all day because right now I'm enjoying ever minute that he is awake and trying new things, rather I miss him curling up on my chest and falling asleep without prompting and coaxing. He would just curl his little bitty body up and get comfy. 

It is amazing to me how much he has grown in the past three months. That's all it's been. Three stinking months and the boy has already almost doubled his birth weight AND rolled over! What is happening?!?! Am I always going to look at him and be in disbelief that he is mine? 

First Yawns

I like to call this "the frog"

I look at him utterly amazed that Jay and I were able to create such a magnificent creature without any well thought out effort. Even if we had tried I don't think we could have genetically engineered a more beautiful creature. This is where evolution really shines, what would life be like if all things thought their offspring were hideous. We have to know they are adorable so that we want nothing more but to take care of them. Those first few days when they want nothing more than to be held by you, ugh- nothing in the world like that feeling. Something in this world really and truly NEEDS you. Not just needs your help for something but is completely dependent on you for their survival. 

I talk to other mothers and am baffled by the amount of research and preparation they have done for their children. I went to one birthing class because it was required for me to be able to do a water birth. That's it. I didn't read any books. I didn't watch any videos. I really and truly felt that the less I knew the better. The more I thought or knew about what was going to eventually happen to my lady parts the more scared I got. I figured that in the moment my body would react just like every other woman's body in the history of things and I would just know.  

For a long time I questioned whether or not this made me a bad mom. Was I supposed to google every little thing that he did? I just didn't worry about every bump or scrape. I'm not that kind of a person in general, why would that change when he came? Plus, the last thing I want is him freaking out over every little thing as he got older. 

With time I've realized that each of us is a different mother in our own right and there is no right or wrong way to mother YOUR child. Some mothers find comfort in knowledge of what each new thing their child does means, and others delight in the the unknown of it all. I just happen to be one of the latter. I don't want to put Harvey on any sort of timeline, he will do all of the things he is "supposed" to do in his own time. And I'm more than happy to wait.