The Hardest Part About Staying Home...

When the time came to discuss whether or not I was going to go back to work my heart had already clearly voiced its opinion. I was going to stay home. However, in the current economy it has been very difficult to come to the decision that I was going to stop working. We had finally gotten to a place that we had a little extra money to go out to eat, and go to concerts- and now we are back to the nail biting when it comes to paying bills. There was a lot of discussing how the mechanics were going to work, moving into a cheaper place and cutting anything that wasn't an absolute must have. We decided on cloth diapers and breast feeding not only for his health but to also save ourselves money. I still feel that pang of guilt when the bills come in and I know that I've done nothing to help bring money into the house.
On the flip side of that I know that I'm giving Harvey what he deserves, and that's having me at home. If I had to go back to work my little boy would be on formula and cooing into someone else's ear. That was something I knew that I couldn't live with. I needed to be the one that he grows with, I want to be the one he has memories with. I'll gladly be spit up on, pooped on, peed on and never be able to afford to eat out again if it means I get to be with him all day.

I'm so lucky to have a wonderful man in my life that not only hopped on board the "mommy stays home" boat, but reminds me in every weak moment I have that I'm right where I need to be. That in 20 years we aren't going to look back and say "boy am I glad we got to eat pizza that one night", rather that we will look back and know that Harvey was cared for by his mom and dad and not raised by someone we didn't know or weren't comfortable with.
He is only an infant once, I can never get these few months back. I want to be here when he screams for nothing, or when he just wants to be held. That is my job. I can't imagine not being a mother. I do not understand why I waited so long to become one. The second he made his appearance in this world it was like every doubt I had ever had just slammed into place and it all felt right. This is what I am supposed to do. I am supposed to wake up all night, clean up poop and puke. I'm supposed to make dinner every night and do laundry during the day. It is in these "wifely" duties that I find the most reward.
I love to see him smile back at me, and I love to see Jason come home to a clean house and how relieved he is that it is. Before we would both come home exhausted from work, and duties got overlooked until the weekend. Then the weekend came and we spent all of it doing what should and could have been done during the week had we had a few extra minutes. But now I get to spend my time making our house the home I know we both want. I get to make home made pitas, ON A WEEKNIGHT!

All in all, I'm happy with being home. I love being a mom, and someday I'll love officially being a wife! I feel like this was the best choice for all of us and that I'll only come to love it more.